the air of emptiness

life. is beautiful.

2010-10-08T14:37:00.000-07:00

When life and death coexist at the same time,
when the line between the two is close and blur,
how surreal and quaint it is, yet peaceful altogether.

Life is no longer an exhibition of endless possibilities,
it being reduced to the mere breaths of air.
And the ongoing struggles and battles for sheer existence.
So faint it seems, so weak it appears.
Everything else fades in importance, meaningless it all seems.

At the end of the day, i guess everything else doesnt really matter anymore.
the conflicts, the sorrows, the regrets.
No one really bother anymore.

"No money in the world count for anything if you cant use it to help someone.
All the strength in the world count for nothing if you cant use it to save someone"

I guess this line is most appropriate for times like this.
Happiness has always been a matter of perspective.

Life. Is beautiful.

melancholic afternoon

2010-05-31T10:50:00.000-07:00

Amidst all the huge hype and buzz that I have received from the phenomenal and extremely charged up conference, it seems strange but yet perfect sense to feel this way. That a self reflection is just as powerful as a motivated speech or word in season. That one just really need to allow the emotions and many motivating Word to settle in. Soft but yet forceful and definitely resolute in its own ways. And as the raindrops fall, I reluctantly indulge in the melancholy that it brings, but seemingly aware of my own boundaries.

Watching from the scenes of 'Little Children' and 'Up in the Air' really drew many meaningful insights. Especially the former, which speaks of life in the suburbans, where it puts to death the false impression of having everything in a comfortable life equates to a purposeful life. How one can have everything but yet still incomplete in his and her own world. This draws huge similarities in 'Up in the Air' where the attractive nomadic lifestyle speaks into my personal experience. Living a life in isolation, cutting off all connections and possibilities of any forms of relationships commitment, refusing to be tied and weighed down by the heavy responsibilities they carry.

Thinking like that was somewhat a dream to my old self, and watching how it all falls apart on screen was a joke on myself. And at the end of the day, there will always be that prevalent void in your life. How we may all be seemingly running and chasing for a certain goal and aim in life, without realising what it really is, or even worse, running in the wrong race. Just like how the characters on screen were, many of them in their own worlds were just escapist in the real world, chasing the wrong dream to fill that void. And some may just not allow the void to be filled, continually running away, escaping.

I recalled what Pastor Troy Marshall says, that many people grapple with the issues of insecurities. How people can have all the possessions in their life, being comfortable and having no lack, but are still unhappy with life. They have to buy incessant amount of clothes, and be comforted in the numbers in their bank accounts or the amount of influence they assert. I truly agree with his concept that success, money and fame will certainly bring us pleasures, but will never bring us true happiness. This void, this seemingly aimless life can only be fulfilled with God, and His calling on us, His destiny upon our lives. Without it, we will all be like blind rats, running wildly, at circles, without any clear goals in minds.

A tragic fact it sounds, but I believe that is the case for many of us, yours truly included. Seeking for assurance and securities in many forms have been a past mistake. Being secured does not depend on the amount of possessions, be it material or relational, but it depends on you being secured in Him. That is the truth that stands in the gap of salvation, that stares down upon many of us as we reach the different phases of our lives, as we self reflect upon it.

These past days of the conference have really left me in deep awe. The many stories of triumphs and victories, and the outstanding lives that many are living at my own age puts me in great shame. As I look back on this life lived thus far, I do not end off with a long list of achievements, neither can I start to even fill it. What have you truly done to make a difference? Youth is not the reason but the excuse of our laziness and living without purpose. As I reflect, I really pray earnestly that I can live out the destiny that God has for me, to leave something worth remembering for my generation, a victory medal that I have won in this fight with and for God.

I came across this question as we were preparing Lionel for his questionnaire segment,

'If you were to appear in the news today, what do you want it to be for?'

Vision.

2010-03-15T09:09:00.000-07:00

Thank You for reminding me of my vision. The many testimonials of the great works done at the tender age of teenage hood put myself into shame. What have i done with my teenage times!! I have done nothing but to find myself slipping further away each year, riding that rollercoaster, stuck at the same old struggles, fussing over my own emotions when greater things were to be done. Oh how I adore the timeliness of God, at the start of a new journey in SOT. I catch how of my vision once more, the same one i confessed to Wayne 2 years ago before army, back in the glory days.
God, Though i may be late, i will make it happen this time.
I'm never letting go.

I want to be able to say at the end of the day,
that I have ran my race, and I have kept my faith!
I have, to my utmost, lived a life worthy to be considered to You as a sacrifice.
To have the best year of my life, my youth, dedicated to You.

I hunger for You once more, just like the old times.
Falling in love.

Psalms 41:9

2010-03-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

Psalms 41:9 (NIV)

Even my close friend, whom I trusted,
he who shared my bread,
has lifted up his heel against me.

I will never speak about it again.
God, i give you praise for You are the only constant in my life.

2010-03-08T08:03:00.000-08:00

On another note,

I really want to watch, in no particular order,

1) Up in the air
2) Dear John
3) Alice in Wonderland
4) Bright Stars

:(

God is good.

2010-03-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a quick and long update for the past few weeks. Ironic as it may sound but it shall be done. In short, I'm going for SOT! *cheers* Yes its official and I have already been going for the precourse so 2010 would definitely be the best year yet for me. In fact, God is really our provider. In every situations, hold dear to the Word and the promises that He has made to you. Tuition assignments have been coming my way ever since the decision was made as well as financial blessings. Although I will be really stretched during the next 6 months, considering having to work for Arise and Build as well as to finance my SOT fees, I am really excited for greater expectancy and greater growth in Him. How I have always been reminded, courtesy of Wayne, that the best years of our life, our prime, our youth should be dedicated to the Lord as the greatest sacrifice that we can offer. And as SOT approaches, the students are not just going for a 6 months bible study course, but to sow their youth, their lifes as seeds into God's Word, as a living sacrifice. I have only been to 3 bible study precourse sessions so far, but boy have I been blessed beyond words. Being able to stand back and just take in the sight of the spiritual hunger that the international students have, the sacrifices that they have made to travel this far, only to seek His face. These moments reminded me of how real a God we serve, and in the face of such truths, how can one still live in denial of His existence. Our God is a great and living God. What great opportunity that has been bestowed upon me. I pray for greater things to come, growth and strength as well as the increase of my capacity, my Lord.

Sunday's soccer was poor. Maybe it is because of the lack of sleep these days. Having to haul yourself off the bed every morning at 8, even on Sundays is really no joke. But yes, i vow to get myself back into the game. And I will first begin with my stamina by doing more late night runs. Steamboat dinner at night was awesome. It has been so long and I simply thank you all for the great dinner! And Khooky's presence was the icing on the cake. Cheers to the many more years to come!

While all has been good these days, I do not deny the nights of weaknesses too. How thoughts have surfaced my mind occasionally, despite the vehement attempts to block them out.

I really liked the quote weilin posted up on her blog a few weeks back.

'There's no such thing as forgive and forget. Unless he's someone you can forget, you never (really) forgive. And it's not hate or anger. It's just hurt, and what do you do about that? I don't need you to stand by me when I'm right. Come bury the body with me when I do wrong. No questions asked. Surely there are more important things than being right.

/To Know Where I'm Coming From, Johann S. Lee'

Now that the dust has settled, emotions have come and go. What's next. Is this the part where we hit the refresh button and pretend nothing has happened? I'm not sure myself. It's not hate or anger, it's not even hurt anymore. It's just like a broken old film that keeps replaying the past right in front of you and you just can't turn it off. But i have learnt. That with Man, disappointments are bound to happen, but with God, it is not the case. To lean on Him and not let the joy of men takes His rightful place. And in these new friendships found, I thank the Lord, but this time it will be different, for I have learnt to prioritise You.

same old haunts

2010-02-17T08:49:00.000-08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEREITH LO

Belated it may be, but still I would like to warmly wish you a Happy 21st. Time truly flies by and in a flash we're all approaching the year of adulthood. Though we may not meet up as often as we like, the bonds and memories that we share will never be forgotten. Hope you like the shirt, and am looking forward to the 7th. Please grow old together and let's continue to be present in each other's significant moments in this passing life.

Had the conversation again with Yiling and Zhenyew almost simultaneously. How I dislike to speak about it again, the past hauntings continue to return. I remained resolved in my stand, unashamed, for I have done all that i could. What you guys fail to understand was that the ball was never in my court, how easily the outcome could have differed. But never have I received any form of reconcilation that I so craved, but instead the continued unashamed pretence on all of your parts, into believing that nothing has happened, the continued efforts to smother it rather than to even do anything about it. That irks me, and broke me into despair. How I hate to speak about it again, i vow not to.

I'm not sure Yiling, on how I will take on things again, but surely I will never allow myself to be in that same vulnerable position again. I just can't.
Pardon me, girl.

regret and pain.

2010-02-09T00:56:00.001-08:00

Had a self-rewarding off day today, after the 2 energy-sapping matches i played on consecutive days. Funny how the busier we get, the lesser we actually stop to live life. To reflect. To watch time flies and to simply indulge in living the moment. I guess everyone of us needs an off day at some point in your life.

Ended up watching movies on my computer the entire day. And it is funny how movies sometimes really is mind-provoking and engaging. I am a big fan of movies and i believe rightly so. Because movies has a magical effect on people. In that shortspan of an hour or two, you get to live a life believing in all that you see, forgetting about the worries of your own or the limitations that yours carry. Movies are the only place where you can choose to be anyone you ever be, the courage you never had, the love you always wanted, and the pain you have always felt.

Ghosts of girlfriends' past proves to be more than what it seems.

'Connor Mead: Someone once told me that the power in all relationships lies with whoever cares less, and he was right. But power isn't happiness, and I think that maybe happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less... '

rejoice

2010-01-23T11:45:00.000-08:00

This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it!

life.

2010-01-23T09:59:00.000-08:00

today has been a day of revelations. Work has been interestingly filled with many sensible discussions that i really enjoyed. The random emails that kept our day alive despite the numerous bad calls have grown to something more serious.

Yes, how i adore the innocence of our childhood days. The past youthful dreams of living in a big house, driving a sports car and walking down along Shenton Way may sounds ridiculous to you. But with it, it carries the courage to dream, the innocence and most importantly the belief in ourselves that anything is possible. Yet it is sad that as age comes by, instead of growing in confidence with new discovery of our own abilities each day, we start to diminish in faith and our own belief. It's ironic how we need to live young to live life. I cannot bear the day i tell myself that the dreams of my youthful past are no longer achievable and how i have failed to become the 'hero' of my own 10 years old self. Perhaps, that is the reason why i want to work so hard these days, the drive that i forcefully instill in myself. Because of the exact reason that i do not want to settle for inadequacy, hence the need to work hard in my youths, to earn enough to make sure that i can at least be near where i expect myself to be. Maybe, that is also another reason why i am slogging so hard for the OT pay other than the fact that i cannot bear to face the loneliness back home after work due to the recent chain of events.

Yet on another note, we should also be wary of the extreme end of the spectrum. How we should not let ourselves be too caught up in this excessive and never-ending pursuit of material wealths. If we allow money and material possesions to be the centre orbit of our lives, then perhaps we will never be happy. At the end of the day, what do you define happiness as? The movie, 'Pursuit of Happiness' has shown us a classic example. If our joy is defined as enjoying kinship, family bonds, friendships, then perhaps our lifes may be just or even more fulfilling than a rich and wealthy man who has no one to spend his fortunes with. But be careful, for it is easy to just hide behind this ego-comforting train of thought, to let it be an excuse for our own lack of willingness and determination to strive for something greater.

Yes that is how serious a topic that my fellow colleagues and i were discussing over emails while making those multiple calls. But however, God really showed me His opinions instead during service today, and at what impeccable timing once more. It was Arise and Build season once again and God reminded me on my vaulations of things of the eternity rather than the temporals. I must admit, i always go green with envy looking at the amount that my fellow ns friends have amassed after the 2 years of National Service as compared to the zilches registered in my bank account. But only has it dawned on me recently that i had help contribute to A&B on the first year of NS. And then it hit me. That this was how i used to think, and value my own wealth or things of the temporary. That all of what we have 'earned' so far, were ours only because it was Him who gave us first, and truly the importance to give back. After the weeks of working at Citibank, i have somehow lost sight of such visions, and began to hold my material wealths so close and tightly that i have perhaps began to lose myself in this job. It is with the reasons that i want to contribute to A&B, to build this Church without walls and to help make my contributions to the ailing world, that i plough and work for OT. That should be my starting point. That will be what that seperates yourself from any other working adults dressed in the same working attire as you, working in the same office bound job that you hold.

To let go and let God.

2010.

2010-01-12T08:15:00.000-08:00

2010 has been okay so far. Yes, there has been the down moments, but I'm glad things have turned out far better than i have expected, considering the way 2009 has ended. True enough, God provides. As the old leaves, the new enters. Thank God for placing great friends in the midst of my workplace, and at such impeccable timing too, making this pain much more bearable. Work has been good to me so far, but the hourly pay is making everyone work extra harder, especially for the OT hours. If i were to make Australia a reality then I'd really got to work damn hard for the 1.5 OT pay.

I also have come to realise how easily one changes his mind. When i first took up the job, i was adamant in not losing my identity, about not losing what that defines myself; the fun-loving nature. Ask me what i would choose between hanging out with friends or doing OT and earning money a month ago, i would definitely choose the former without batting an eyelid. Yet now it doesn't seem to be as clear now. While to be fair enough, the sour incidents hasn't really make choosing that difficult too but still, these small steps of giving in has unknowingly manifest into something bigger. I have unknowingly registered for the never-ending marathon for money, being all the more willing to work late into OT sessions to earn the extra bucks. What happened to the innocence or is this a harsh smack on the face to accept the sad and inevitable reality. Or maybe, there is just no one worthy enough to spend quality time with? Whatever it is, i hope i don't lose my own soul in this whole race, because that would really be too soon and something that i wouldn't enjoy. Balancing a work life is never easy, but it isn't impossible too.

On a separate note, I was about to tell you(them) about what that has happened last Dec. I thought that since not everyone would be as sensitive as myself and that i truly love each and everyone of you so much that i cannot bear to lose you, hence the arrangement to meet up. But then it hit me, what is really the point in it? I guess i have never let this anger go, and the words that i say will never give justice to the pain you have caused me back then. While it is true that one has to learn to forgive and forget, but really, up till this point in time, even after my latest actions, these relationships have still seemed to me to be a one-way traffic. So then, do tell me, what really is the point in salvaging it? At the end of the day, i know i will still look at you differently, being extra sensitive to your every actions, judging every move you make, deciphering whether it is from the heart. If trust is lost to such an extent, then maybe letting go is the wiser thing to do so. Don't get me wrong, i am not saying these in a bitter tone, but just the truth of it all.

Someone once told me,
'Don't make someone a priority in your life, when you are just an option in theirs'.

How true, how true.

the lesson

2010-01-02T08:32:00.000-08:00

yes Lord, when i asked for you to teach me how to handle disappointments, i didnt expect it to be so soon and this way. But then again, with what I had requested, I was getting exactly what I had intended for.
Through it all, i am sure You will make me stronger.

a new beginning.

2010-01-01T03:18:00.000-08:00

as 2009 fade and passes, one cannot help but wonder, since the year ends with me being stuck in that same valley of darkness, what hope can 2010 bring? But it is also the exact fact that 2009 has been the worst year yet, that 2010 can only be better than it. Its the half full, half empty theory once again. Having said that, i still have to give thanks to God for the victories in 2009. How i have managed to ORD-ed safely from Army, how i have returned to God and built the many friendships (albeit the current state now). I guess life is always like that. It will never be a straight curve, life will always be the rollercoaster as many have realised by now. Whenever you are feeling that life has been good and smooth sailing, the devil will always hit and plunge you down. But yet it is times like these that we have to cling on ever so strongly to the victories that we had in Christ and in our lives.

Maybe all i'm looking for in gifts is not the gift itself, but the words that will bring reconcilation. The willingness in you that you will be there the next time i fall again, to let me learn to trust you once more.

And so we can only hope that 2010 will be much better, that God will bring me up once again, feeling triumphant and not wallowing in despair.

to sum it all.

2009-12-26T12:10:00.000-08:00

I have to get these typed down before I sleep tonight, lest the words and thoughts forsake my memory the next morning once more.

The path i am living now is painful and is eating me from the insides. How i am constantly forcing myself to behave in a manner that i usually wouldn't. How i am constantly oppressing myself, forcing to keep shut the old 'derrick' within. Many a times i ponder, where does this path leads? The chain of events and the occurrences of emotions are very much akin to last year. It is becoming a bondage that i suffer from each year. If things were to happen just like it did the last time back, then i guess leaving once more seems to be the inevitable end? I honestly do not see light at the end of this tunnel nor do i see shadows beside my lonely self.

It is heart wrenching how each time you ask the mundane and surface-level facts. Questions of 'are you fine?, you don't look okay' don't really help when you and others are the authors of this state of depression. I rather you not ask at all. Honestly speaking, if you have cared enough, or if i have mattered as much to you as you did to me, then you wouldn't be as passive when you started losing me. I guess it shows, it really does.

Do you honestly think that i am enjoying every bit of it, that i simply enjoy being left in the lurch? Or do you think that i no longer need you and am actually the one forsaking others? But Lord, how can i trust anymore? How i wish that i can choose to not be as sensitive as i am, that i can forget about the past issues and the pain that may not be as obvious to others. How i crave for your attention. How i wish that things can just go back to the way it was before. But Lord, how can this broken heart be mended? How can this hurt be healed? How can the wounded one learn to trust in others again? This whole predicament is best summed up by saying that i am choosing to shut myself up only to never allow you and others to leave so casually ever again. It started out with him, but the crashing part comes when everyone you ever cared for seemed to walk that same path too. And i mean 'everyone'. What hurts me most was that these are the people that i have invested time and efforts into building a relationship with. Not forgetting the other friendships that i have neglected along the way. Yet this love remains an unrequited one. Perhaps this is the karma that you spoke about. This cold sharp pain of loneliness is shattering my beliefs and engulfing any flickering flame of hope that i can muster.

I guess time is the best medicine for now but there is only so much fight left in me now. I doubt that i can last the whole journey.

Lord, i need to learn to handle disappointments.

the year as it seems

2009-12-20T06:58:00.000-08:00

Its a sad parody, a tragic truth. How the year 2008 ended just a year ago, seems to have come one full circle on this very date. How the same ghosts of 2008 have came back to haunt me, and to remind me that at the end of this rollercoaster ride, i still have not left off from my deepest pits. It is heart wrenching that the same exact pains that i felt, emotions that i experienced are coming back again in this same period of the year. To think i thought that the people have changed, that i have became stronger, that people would have learnt more about me and dealt with me differently. Sadly, the truth always hurts. Perhaps, i have never changed. Perhaps, i never will. Perhaps, all i need is a fresh new beginning, away from everyone here, away from everyone i've come to know thus far.

Broken pieces.

2009-12-18T09:03:00.000-08:00

Perhaps one day, the pieces can be mended.

I'm shutting up and turning away for now.
I'm growing too reliant on this.

That's it, you're doing great. Go ahead, push them all away huh.

anguish

2009-12-15T15:07:00.000-08:00

I have finally decided to pen these thoughts moments before i rush for work again. Life is like a clockwork routine these days. Waking up early at 645 and always rushing home at 530. This withdrawal plan is hurting more than i have expected. It dawned on me, that many a times, the predicament that we are in, are always a result of our own decisions and actions. Which in turn is our response to what others have done to us. These decisions that we have made and the fact that we have decided to pattern our lives based on these decisions makes us responsible for our own choice, regardless whether it is a good or bad one. And so who am i fighting this battle for? What am i hoping out of this predicament? Isn't me the one who is still suffering at the end of the day? Maybe, that is why i am forcing myself to rush home everyday after work. I hardly have the intentions to meet up or socialise with any groups of people these days, choosing to hide myself away in the solace and solitude back home. I badly need my account at Citibank to start up asap, so that i can bury my emotions at work, so that i can take my mind off matters, and hoping that this sense of loneliness can go away.

On a separate note, i just read Weilin's latest post and i just simply agree with what she wrote: How sometimes the hurt that people have caused to us will bring out different reactions in us, causing us to be more withdrawn towards them. How apt is that. But it really makes me ponder both ways, the people that have hurt me as well as the ones that i have hurt. I cannot imagine the anguish and pain that i have caused to you but yet time and time again, you have always been there, trying. Sometimes, i really come to wonder what a fool i have been. But yet these occasion occurrences of feelings is not enough. It would be too selfish of me to hang onto you because of these 'sometimes' and the fact lies indeed that you deserve someone better. Someone who is more sure of you and is willing to be 'who you are to me' to you. So, even though it hurts, i must withdraw myself. It wouldn't be fair to him.

the cold desert

2009-12-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

I'm on the corner, waiting for a light to come on
That's when i know that you're alone
It's cold in the desert, water never sees the ground
Special unspoken without sound
You told me you loved me, that i'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines

I've never ever cried when i was feeling down
I've always been scared of the sound
Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load
I'm too young to feel this old

Is it you, is it me
Or does nobody know, nobody see
Nobody but me.

tired.

2009-12-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

Honestly, i am very tired of you and all your nonsense. Stop kicking up a ruckus and acting all immature. I have nothing to say and i dont see the need to explain myself or my actions. Say whatever you want but stay out of my life.

Speechless

2009-12-08T04:55:00.000-08:00

Am i too sensitive or should i just lose hope in them altogether?

It was a revelation to me during prayer meeting today. That God knows what i truly long and crave for. The friend that cares, the friend that shares, the one who genuinely can be counted on in good times or bad. But yet time and time again, this friend has evaded me elusively. Until it hit me, that each time i go seeking and looking, God is not letting me find him, for He wants me to rely on His strength. Rather than looking for someone else to replace that void, all i need is Him, for me to come back to my first love. So that i can be broken to Him and for Him to take up that position in my heart in order to fill that void.

Today is just another really bad day. I'm really tired of seeking and i see no point. Many a times, the more faith you place in people, the greater the hurt they cause you. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but then again that's who i am and you ought to know. Not only you, but you too.

I just feel like running away and escaping. To shut myself up and not letting anyone in again. Speechless for words, numb to emotions.
Lord i pray, guard my heart as only you can.

Now, I'm really not doing well.

Matt 6:33

2009-12-07T04:59:00.000-08:00

As i did my calculation for my schedule for the rest of the week, I'm beginning to realise the extreme difficulties of maintaining a work-like balance. In order to earn $X sum of money, i would probably have to work till a minimum of 730pm each day. Adding in the time i have to allocate for gymming and running, i barely have the time to breathe, let alone socialise. Gone will be the long timbre nights or late suppers. Well, or at least it would be at the sacrifice of my sleep, which will also result in extreme exhaustion the next day. Well, at that point in time, i seemed to have forgotten the phrase that i have always lived my life to. Matt 6:33
As we get hogged by our work and social activities, it is very easy to lose sight of God. It is very easy to allow ourself to slowly prioritise worldly affairs matters over His. Afterall, it is always easier to strive and live for worldly things than eternal matters in our afterlife. But yet, i stopped and pondered, this is not the person i have expected myself to turn into and to become, having lost all sense of identity in this neverending pursuit for meaningless material matters.
At the end of the day, what are you selling your soul for?

Matthew 6:33 'Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all else will be added upon you.'

harder better faster stronger

2009-12-06T06:56:00.000-08:00

today was a tiring day. finally went for some hardcore gyming sessions with zy. felt good working out!
harder,better,faster,stronger!

the joy and jubilation that sports bring is usually indescribable. men have always been more competitive than many women, and so the sheer joy of victory in a sports competition is something that men can always relate better to. the sheer hard work in running our socks off knowing that any slip ups on anyone's part will cause victory to slip by us yet again. well, this time it didnt. Chasing every ball down, never stopped running in our tracks to close down the opponents. Such determination and hard work is a testament to the fighting spirit that exists within our ranks. It is the special factor that has been sorely missing in the past few matches. the desperate hunger and desire to win it. Having all 11 on the field to share that common passion, common hunger and desire to win it, knowing that any slacking on our part will only cause problems for our own teammates. Such was the spirit that existed today, and it will return once more for the weeks to come. This experience is truly beyond words, this experience is why week in and week out, the same few will still remain, be it for the good times or for the worst. Such lies the passion for the game; and the hope for such addictive euphoria once more. lets build on it!

On a seperate note, it's not that i am going to change the verdict of the situation but sometimes it would really be nice to know that there are others rooting for you, supporting you. It's nice to hear that others are keen and eager to support, rather than flagging off and taking the opposite side all the time. team derrick?

i stand alone.

2009-12-05T10:12:00.000-08:00

okay. so i finally returned to my blogging ways. Blogging to me, is a form and a channel for me to rant and to collate my random thoughts after a long day. It is a good way to pen down my thoughts and feelings, to somehow make it clearer in my head.

Anyhow, like i shared with a few, i am really in a current state of lost and confusion. Confused by the truth that the stand that i have adopted and believed in for such a long while, has turned out to be my own personal deception tool; the white lie that i have never come to own up.

Can free love really exist? I have always been a firm believer in love and romance. I am genuinely a sucker for romantic comedies and chick flicks. Shows like 500 days of summer will definitely appeal more to me than any war/gore shows anytime. And so to me, loving someone is really a great deal. Love in today society, is a word that has been overused on multiple occasion. It seems to have lost its true sacred meaning as it hangs loosely in the mouths of young teenagers these days. But true love, is a strong word that carries with it heavy meanings and responsibilities. Hence to me, loving someone and being able to sacrifice everything one has in exchange for the one he loves is a great deal for me. And so, the greatest gift in life is really being able to find a partner who loves you the way you do for her/him. Hence it came across to me as a shocking revelation to find out that in reality, this simple promise of love may not be enough afterall. That many other factors like financial background or family background comes in question as well. If loving each other is not the most important factor in a relationship, then what is? Since when have we transcend into a time whereby having 2 parties that are truly in love being not enough to justify them being together? Is financial wealth or family status really that important?

I have a close friend who is in that exact situation and i always feel for her as her parents occasionally make things difficult for her and her boyfriend. But after this recent paradigm shift of events, i have somewhat changed my stand. Maybe i have not lost faith afterall in love but i am at least lost and confused. I feel that i have been really naive all these while. While things for me are definitely not as extreme and i am surely not in love yet, but still the incident has not failed in shedding light on my own naivety.

The questions never fail to appear in my mind. Are we then really allowed to love freely, disallowing anything to stand in the way of love? Or have we unknowingly and unconsciously been conformed by our own circumstances and what the society conforms us to be? Is this then really the 'freedom' that we so often speak of? Or have we been trapped in this social prison all these while? I have come to realised that in every social structure concerning the human population, there is a form of social expectations of every single individual. These social expectations arises from various factors: age,financial status, family background etc. Whilst it is true that classes such as upper class, working class and lower class do exist, but i have absolutely no idea till now, how great this gulf of separation is. That just by being ourselves, the mere fact of our birth, there lies certain social expectations from us. Similarly, our social standings are determined as such too. And hence whenever someone breaks through from what the society expects of him, it is either a big celebration or a big act of objection. When someone refuses to accept what the society conforms him to do, do we celebrate and rejoice for him or do we despise and persecute him?

At the end of the day, it is a sad truth that the war for freedom that we are so ever readily to fight for, have not been won. That truly, the social prison does exist and is ever ready to reject anyone that tries to break out of the vicious cycle.

And really, i am just not good enough.