When life and death coexist at the same time,
when the line between the two is close and blur,
how surreal and quaint it is, yet peaceful altogether.

Life is no longer an exhibition of endless possibilities,
it being reduced to the mere breaths of air.
And the ongoing struggles and battles for sheer existence.
So faint it seems, so weak it appears.
Everything else fades in importance, meaningless it all seems.

At the end of the day, i guess everything else doesnt really matter anymore.
the conflicts, the sorrows, the regrets.
No one really bother anymore.

"No money in the world count for anything if you cant use it to help someone.
All the strength in the world count for nothing if you cant use it to save someone"

I guess this line is most appropriate for times like this.
Happiness has always been a matter of perspective.

Life. Is beautiful.

Amidst all the huge hype and buzz that I have received from the phenomenal and extremely charged up conference, it seems strange but yet perfect sense to feel this way. That a self reflection is just as powerful as a motivated speech or word in season. That one just really need to allow the emotions and many motivating Word to settle in. Soft but yet forceful and definitely resolute in its own ways. And as the raindrops fall, I reluctantly indulge in the melancholy that it brings, but seemingly aware of my own boundaries.

Watching from the scenes of 'Little Children' and 'Up in the Air' really drew many meaningful insights. Especially the former, which speaks of life in the suburbans, where it puts to death the false impression of having everything in a comfortable life equates to a purposeful life. How one can have everything but yet still incomplete in his and her own world. This draws huge similarities in 'Up in the Air' where the attractive nomadic lifestyle speaks into my personal experience. Living a life in isolation, cutting off all connections and possibilities of any forms of relationships commitment, refusing to be tied and weighed down by the heavy responsibilities they carry.

Thinking like that was somewhat a dream to my old self, and watching how it all falls apart on screen was a joke on myself. And at the end of the day, there will always be that prevalent void in your life. How we may all be seemingly running and chasing for a certain goal and aim in life, without realising what it really is, or even worse, running in the wrong race. Just like how the characters on screen were, many of them in their own worlds were just escapist in the real world, chasing the wrong dream to fill that void. And some may just not allow the void to be filled, continually running away, escaping.

I recalled what Pastor Troy Marshall says, that many people grapple with the issues of insecurities. How people can have all the possessions in their life, being comfortable and having no lack, but are still unhappy with life. They have to buy incessant amount of clothes, and be comforted in the numbers in their bank accounts or the amount of influence they assert. I truly agree with his concept that success, money and fame will certainly bring us pleasures, but will never bring us true happiness. This void, this seemingly aimless life can only be fulfilled with God, and His calling on us, His destiny upon our lives. Without it, we will all be like blind rats, running wildly, at circles, without any clear goals in minds.

A tragic fact it sounds, but I believe that is the case for many of us, yours truly included. Seeking for assurance and securities in many forms have been a past mistake. Being secured does not depend on the amount of possessions, be it material or relational, but it depends on you being secured in Him. That is the truth that stands in the gap of salvation, that stares down upon many of us as we reach the different phases of our lives, as we self reflect upon it.

These past days of the conference have really left me in deep awe. The many stories of triumphs and victories, and the outstanding lives that many are living at my own age puts me in great shame. As I look back on this life lived thus far, I do not end off with a long list of achievements, neither can I start to even fill it. What have you truly done to make a difference? Youth is not the reason but the excuse of our laziness and living without purpose. As I reflect, I really pray earnestly that I can live out the destiny that God has for me, to leave something worth remembering for my generation, a victory medal that I have won in this fight with and for God.

I came across this question as we were preparing Lionel for his questionnaire segment,

'If you were to appear in the news today, what do you want it to be for?'
Thank You for reminding me of my vision. The many testimonials of the great works done at the tender age of teenage hood put myself into shame. What have i done with my teenage times!! I have done nothing but to find myself slipping further away each year, riding that rollercoaster, stuck at the same old struggles, fussing over my own emotions when greater things were to be done. Oh how I adore the timeliness of God, at the start of a new journey in SOT. I catch how of my vision once more, the same one i confessed to Wayne 2 years ago before army, back in the glory days.
God, Though i may be late, i will make it happen this time.
I'm never letting go.

I want to be able to say at the end of the day,
that I have ran my race, and I have kept my faith!
I have, to my utmost, lived a life worthy to be considered to You as a sacrifice.
To have the best year of my life, my youth, dedicated to You.

I hunger for You once more, just like the old times.
Falling in love.
Psalms 41:9 (NIV)

Even my close friend, whom I trusted,
he who shared my bread,
has lifted up his heel against me.

I will never speak about it again.
God, i give you praise for You are the only constant in my life.
On another note,

I really want to watch, in no particular order,

1) Up in the air
2) Dear John
3) Alice in Wonderland
4) Bright Stars

:(
This is going to be a quick and long update for the past few weeks. Ironic as it may sound but it shall be done. In short, I'm going for SOT! *cheers* Yes its official and I have already been going for the precourse so 2010 would definitely be the best year yet for me. In fact, God is really our provider. In every situations, hold dear to the Word and the promises that He has made to you. Tuition assignments have been coming my way ever since the decision was made as well as financial blessings. Although I will be really stretched during the next 6 months, considering having to work for Arise and Build as well as to finance my SOT fees, I am really excited for greater expectancy and greater growth in Him. How I have always been reminded, courtesy of Wayne, that the best years of our life, our prime, our youth should be dedicated to the Lord as the greatest sacrifice that we can offer. And as SOT approaches, the students are not just going for a 6 months bible study course, but to sow their youth, their lifes as seeds into God's Word, as a living sacrifice. I have only been to 3 bible study precourse sessions so far, but boy have I been blessed beyond words. Being able to stand back and just take in the sight of the spiritual hunger that the international students have, the sacrifices that they have made to travel this far, only to seek His face. These moments reminded me of how real a God we serve, and in the face of such truths, how can one still live in denial of His existence. Our God is a great and living God. What great opportunity that has been bestowed upon me. I pray for greater things to come, growth and strength as well as the increase of my capacity, my Lord.

Sunday's soccer was poor. Maybe it is because of the lack of sleep these days. Having to haul yourself off the bed every morning at 8, even on Sundays is really no joke. But yes, i vow to get myself back into the game. And I will first begin with my stamina by doing more late night runs. Steamboat dinner at night was awesome. It has been so long and I simply thank you all for the great dinner! And Khooky's presence was the icing on the cake. Cheers to the many more years to come!



While all has been good these days, I do not deny the nights of weaknesses too. How thoughts have surfaced my mind occasionally, despite the vehement attempts to block them out.

I really liked the quote weilin posted up on her blog a few weeks back.

'There's no such thing as forgive and forget. Unless he's someone you can forget, you never (really) forgive. And it's not hate or anger. It's just hurt, and what do you do about that? I don't need you to stand by me when I'm right. Come bury the body with me when I do wrong. No questions asked. Surely there are more important things than being right.

/To Know Where I'm Coming From, Johann S. Lee'

Now that the dust has settled, emotions have come and go. What's next. Is this the part where we hit the refresh button and pretend nothing has happened? I'm not sure myself. It's not hate or anger, it's not even hurt anymore. It's just like a broken old film that keeps replaying the past right in front of you and you just can't turn it off. But i have learnt. That with Man, disappointments are bound to happen, but with God, it is not the case. To lean on Him and not let the joy of men takes His rightful place. And in these new friendships found, I thank the Lord, but this time it will be different, for I have learnt to prioritise You.




HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEREITH LO

Belated it may be, but still I would like to warmly wish you a Happy 21st. Time truly flies by and in a flash we're all approaching the year of adulthood. Though we may not meet up as often as we like, the bonds and memories that we share will never be forgotten. Hope you like the shirt, and am looking forward to the 7th. Please grow old together and let's continue to be present in each other's significant moments in this passing life.

Had the conversation again with Yiling and Zhenyew almost simultaneously. How I dislike to speak about it again, the past hauntings continue to return. I remained resolved in my stand, unashamed, for I have done all that i could. What you guys fail to understand was that the ball was never in my court, how easily the outcome could have differed. But never have I received any form of reconcilation that I so craved, but instead the continued unashamed pretence on all of your parts, into believing that nothing has happened, the continued efforts to smother it rather than to even do anything about it. That irks me, and broke me into despair. How I hate to speak about it again, i vow not to.

I'm not sure Yiling, on how I will take on things again, but surely I will never allow myself to be in that same vulnerable position again. I just can't.
Pardon me, girl.